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SACRAMENT EXPANSION

I'm of the opinion that our culture places far too narrow a definition on who can enjoy the benefits of the sacrament of marriage. For instance, I believe passionately that two members of the same gender should have exactly the same rights to be wed as any heterosexual couple. It is inconceivable to me that there is any question about this.

But I propose an even further expansion. If it were within my power, I would also legalize the marriages of any three people who wanted to enjoy wedded bliss in a triangular arrangement. Or marriages among four people, for that matter. Or eight. Or 20.

A few years ago my sister and her partner participated in a wedding ceremony with 96 other people, in which they all declared their solemn vows to love and honor each other en masse. It was a 98-person marriage. Of course, the state of California did not recognize their union. And that is an abomination, in my opinion. Who is California to tell anyone how they can or cannot explore the sacrament of marriage?

But why stop there? I propose an even further evolution of the definition of legal marriage: getting married to yourself. Because let's just admit that none of us is ever likely to find our perfect partner until we master the art of loving ourselves with great ingenuity. A self-wedding ritual can be the transformative magic that induces the arrival of a challenging new consort into our lives, or else brings the renaissance of an existing intimate relationship.

Now just because getting married to yourself is not yet legal doesn't mean we can't enjoy some of its benefits. And so I propose that we take matters into our own hands. Let's start creating and carrying out our own guerrilla ceremonies.

Your ritual of getting married to yourself could include the following vow: "I am no longer looking for the perfect person. I am that perfect person."

Maybe you could also unleash a flurry of praise about your own beauty and intelligence. "I am so profoundly in tune with my own destiny," you could say to yourself, "that I can be myself even when I am beside myself."

Or how about the following affirmation? "It is within my amazing power to solve every mystery, but I choose to let a few remain enigmas so that I may continue to be amused and surprised by life."

At some point in your self-wedding ritual, you could hold your own hand as you gaze into a mirror and repeat these solemn vows: "I will never forsake you. I will always treat you with reverence and respect. I will do with you what the spring does to the cherry trees."

At the climactic moment, you might place a gold band on your finger and murmur, "With this ring I do me wed," or perhaps, "I now pronounce me my own husband and my own wife." Whereupon you would kiss yourself on your own lips.