Please read the 2002 update to this.

With the syrupy flooding of sticky advertising around the middle of February, it's easy to learn to hate the smarmy feast of Saint Valentine. To the SubGenius, 'pink' is a derogatory term. In the minds of many otherwise enlightened souls, Valentine's Day is only about staying home and mourning solitude.

Well, no more is Valentine's Day only about wearing black and cursing happy couples, or about buying expensive presents for people you want to fuck. No, Valentine's Day is about much more than such petty concerns. Valentine's day is about the love.

For the past three years, I've organized the Cupid Crusade - a sticky, yet unromantic gathering of creepy urban love-spirits.

Firstly, equip yourself with lots and lots of Necco candy hearts, and several Nerf or other toy bow and arrow sets.

Get a bunch of people dressed in red, white, and pink. My cabals have tended to the rattier items found in thrift store bargain bins such as ugly flourescent pink legwarmers and red suits of long underwear. As a bonus, head to the fabric store and get pieces of pink and red felt. Cut them into heart shapes and safety-pin them to each other.

Now, for the wings. In order to look like the homeless urban love-angel you are, you need inner-city wings. Get large cardboard pieces from a local dumpster, and get out your Exacto. Cut out wing-shaped pieces. Then, use duct-tape to secure them to your backs.

Once you're correctly attired, it's time to be on your way. Get as many people as possible all dressed up with hearts and arrows at the ready, and march on some crowded downtown area. Feel free to shout slogans such as "Happy VD!" and "If You Have to Spread Something, Spread Love!". When you get close to people, give them candy hearts and ask them if they are in love. If they say no, shoot them with an arrow. If they say yes, yell "booster shot!" and shoot them with an arrow.

This event is fun with any size group. I've done this with groups as large as 7 and as small as 2, and it was great each time.

If you wish to join Saint Mae for this year's Cupid Crusade, mail her.

Please read the 2002 update.

If any of you start a Cupid Crusade in your hometown, please email details (and photos?) here. I'd love to hear how it went down for you.