Many people think that Hamburger Helper®is just a friendly name for an obscure, middle-aged brand of dinner seasoning. In fact, it is a sinister front for long-term chemical warfare. Can you deny that millions of people who have eaten this malevolent meal die every year? Can you deny that millions upon millions more will contract heart disease and cancer from the cholesterol and MSG made more palatable by this inimical brand of flavoring? I didn't think so.

General Mills, Inc. has perpetrated a heinous conspiracy upon the American people for generations. Not only does Betty Crocker's favorite ground beef dinner kill through MSG and cholesterol, but it is a plot by those with anti-American beliefs to make Americans fat, lazy, and unable to put up a fight when the country is taken by storm.

Hamburger Helper® falsely promises therapy. This perpetuates and enforces America's weight problem by making people think that they can find comfort and assistance in something with 1450 calories per box. Take a look at the facts: America is the fattest nation in the world. No other nation has Hamburger Helper®. Far from helping, Hamburger Helper®is in fact HURTING Americans with every gooey bite.

Hamburger Helper® claims that its ingredients are "real". Are we to assume that Hamburger Helper®'s competition (whoever that is) is made from ethereal ingredients? I have yet to see another product vying for the cancer-laden dinner seasoning niche, let alone one made out of ghosts.

When making your shopping list, we urge you to leave Hamburger Helper® off. It could save your life.

***Note for the clueless: while we do believe that Hamburger Helper® is disgusting, toxic, and inedible - the above statement is a JOKE.